Alaskan Expatriate

The best feature of a GPS is the ability to tell it to take me to the beach. Any time, any place. I say go to the beach and it says which one. Ah. After Tillamook, still full of cheese. I figured we should take advantage of the beautiful weather and head to the coast. Tillamook is just a few miles from the coast, but the GPS never takes you direct to where you want to go. We passed at least two perfectly nice beaches before arriving. The trees clear and suddenly there’s the ocean. The drive offers glimpses, but when we stepped out of the car, we were misted. Mist! Ocean mist! Not the kind that smells like deodorant.

The beach is about 150 feet below the road and a nice set of stairs built into the mountain side guide you down. For some reason (I blame my dad) I always keep an updated tide book in my glove box. Or if I don’t have a car, I am sure to bring one on any roadtrip near the ocean. It makes me a nerd, but also means I know exactly when low tide is, so I can find the best tide pools. It happens that we hit the beach just after low tide.

The wind was up and so were the waves, which made the cove area almost thunderous. Jay and Jeremy hiked out farther around the bend of the cove, but I was content looking for cool rocks and dead things on the beach. When the tide is coming in, the poor swimmer in me gets a little nervous.

The water is such a good way to waste some time in the late afternoon. Really, “navigate to” is the best way to get lost and know exactly where you’re going.

I love cheese. I really do. It is one of my favorite things.

1. Sleep
2. Bread
3. Cheese
4. Burnty things… like burnt cheese
5. Roadtrips (particularly those in search of food)

Combining many of these interests creates a typhoon of pure joy for me. Jay, Jeremy and I loaded up the Rabbit in search of grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream and hopefully some sunshine.

Tillamook factory (aka giant visitor center where a little cheese is made) is in Tillamook, Oregon. It’s about a five hour drive from Seattle, not including the rubberneckers that make weekend traffic a pain. We left a gloomy Seattle and when we crossed the bridge into Oregon the sun came out. Tillamook is located just a couple of miles from the coast and the whole drive west was beautifully sunny. Oregon is wonderful, but I still prefer to pump my own gas (Oregon is all full-service, minus the oil check and window wash).

The GPS said I still had a mile to go, but it was obvious that we had arrived. The sign looks like a giant individual wrapped cheddar slice and the parking lot was packed. Inside, there’s a self-guided “tour” of the factory, but there’s not much to see. Some stairs and you can watch people make cheese on the factory floor. It was a bit like being in the zoo… even stranger when the animals look up with their empty eyes and wave at you. It happened, I was uncomfortable. One side of the factory shows off the big silver cookers… or whatever you call the things they make cheese it. It looks a lot like a brewery. Then there’s a conveyor belt of giant blocks of cheese being wrapped in plastic to be aged somewhere else in the building. On the other side, the giant blocks are opened, chopped up, trimmed and sealed. I couldn’t tell what kind of cheese was being packaged at the time, but it was one of their two “special reserve” cheeses.

Downstairs, there’s a cafeteria and lines to queue in for cheeseburgers, grilled cheese, etc. I ordered the Cheese Works with Tots. It’s cheddar and swiss grilled cheese. You sit, they find your number and deliver your plate. As far as grilled cheese goes, it was acceptable. Mass produced, the cheese didn’t touch all the corners of the bread and it wasn’t grilled quite to my liking. But it was food, cheap and cheesy. The tots were excellent, even though I got flack for ordering them, a few were still stolen by the end.

Tillamook also makes ice cream. It’s not the greatest ice cream in the world, but I packed the Lactaid and figured I’d give my stomach the whole tour. There’s probably two dozen flavors to choose from and I settled on pistachio pecan. I’ve been craving spimoni for weeks, so this was a close second. The ice cream was acceptable, cold as was required in the heat and very sweet. A bit too sweet for my tastes, but I survived the single scoop. At this point, everyone’s ravings about Lactaid working wonders were LIES. It did nothing for me. I was miserable. The best part of ice cream was this small boy belching behind us and being scolded while we tried not to show how humored we were by his lack of manners.

There is a gift shop and a cheese shop. The gift shop had very odd things that one might take home to their grandkids… like this Dachshund Hasidic Jew. It was strange. The cheese shop had much more than cheese — jerky, sausage, mustard, fudge, candies. Tillamook makes a lot more flavors of cheese that you can’t get everywhere, which is sad because I’ve fallen in love with them and can’t justify 10 hours of driving for cheese. I bought a variety pack of four logs — white cheddar garlic, smoked black pepper white cheddar, garlic chili pepper cheddar and smoked medium cheddar.

I also picked up some cheddar curds, which I dutifully informed Jeremy squeak when you eat them, especially if slightly warmed up. He assumed I was crazy until a child in line asked his dad if those [the curds] were the squeaky cheese. Jeremy thought I put the kid up to it, but I reminded him that I’m half cheese head and that makes me quite the expert on cheese.

If you’re near Tillamook, you must go. It might not be the greatest experience you’ve ever had, but it was pretty damn fun. Consume more cheese. That’s all I have to say.

Buying a new cell phone is stressful. OK, maybe not the phone part, but definitely the plan part. I have had the same cell phone company and telephone number for six years or something like that. This also means that I went through the AT&T bought by Cellular One, Cell One bought by AT&T circle. Now I need want a new phone.

Luckily, the mall is a one-stop cell shopping Mecca. There is a kiosk for all but one major cell phone provider, it’s much too convenient. Being the overly analytical person that I am, I asked too many questions of each person and still didn’t leave with a new phone.

AT&T will let me keep my old number, but they have a terrible phone selection. If I want a nice phone, I’m going to have to pay data fees. Really, I don’t need to be on the internet or checking my e-mail any more than I already do. The perks are that I can upgrade to early nights and weekends, but unlimited messaging costs more. I can also roll over unused minutes.

T-Mobile has the cheapest rates, but again a boring phone selection. All the decent phones are way too much for me to spend on a phone. They also throw in unlimited messaging, so I don’t have to pay extra, but I can’t get earlier nights and weekends. I can’t keep my number.

Verizon is more expensive, but has the best phone selection. I don’t have to get a data phone for decent features. Messaging is extra, but reasonably priced. Again, I can’t keep my number. But look how pretty the phone is!

Coverage is pretty much the same across Washington, but Verizon is better.

So I’m torn, do I keep my number so that it’s a local call for the Alaska folks, or do I cave to a 206 or 425? Do I spend a little more for service for the phone I like? This decision is best left to a walk to the store for a doughnut and lemonade. I’m leaning toward Verizon, but is it only because I want that phone? Am I too materialistic? This is two years of my life we’re talking about!

I started a list here of the various things I want to see and/or do in Seattle. There are many I’ve done already… if I haven’t written about them, I will soon. Open to any suggestions of things you think I should do.

When I was 18, I went searching for books. Up until this point, the books I read had been mostly assigned reading, or something I would eventually have to write a book report on. But having recently graduated and have the vast expanse of Amazon.com at my finger tips, I went in search. On October 7, 2002, I purchased my first Sedaris titles — Naked and Holidays on Ice. I likely devoured them and bought Me Talk Pretty One Day a few weeks later.

For me, Sedaris has always provided a warped insight. I’ve seen him speak twice and each time he’s appeared a bit more human. Perhaps it’s my own realization that we can easily make ourselves sound more impressive in writing than in real life. I imagine that he’s as twisted as the next person, but just knows how to write it to appear that much more deranged.

I’ve anticipated When You Are Engulfed In Flames for months. Over the years he’s gained in popularity and I was just a bit curious how he would approach a new book following the increased success. That and I was bit curious if he had run out of stories to tell. Flames is more polished than his previous books, maybe from more experience. It’s also much darker. Whereas in previous books his essays seem to rely on the punch line or the strangeness of his experience, these new essays are more insightful. Not always funny, I found myself laughing out loud more at how he described the stories than the story itself.

The essays are much more intimate than before, he actually talks a length about his partner Hugh and the death of his mother. It feels more like a well written journal than a collection of essays — he evens admits to this. He’s honest about his lifestyle now and doesn’t attempt to make himself appear like a tortured writer. He’s not complaining about the popularity or the money, in fact, he seems mostly acclimated to the new life he’s created.

Overall, Flames is worth the read — especially for someone who enjoys Sedaris. If you were going to start reading him for the first time, I’d recommend starting with his earlier books. Both for continuity of story line and to watch his writing evolve.

Here’s what’s interesting in the news today, make your own opinions:

• Apartheid has passed, S. Africa Chinese are now “Black.” Bureaucracy is fun.
• 17 lonely girls promise to get pregnant to have a friend. Wow, your life looks promising.
• People are losing their feet and they’re showing up in Canada. At least this time it wasn’t human.
• The new Opera vs. the new Firefox. The new Firefox is too much like Safari. I hate it, I refuse to change.
• We have a problem. We need more sheep.

More on my weird apartment building. The lease signing seemed to go on forever. I met the landlord around 6 p.m. and she kept offering me coffee. I declined, assuming the whole process wouldn’t take that long. Not only were there the standard documents I had to complete, but I had to fill out a questionnaire about what I would do if the rabbits got fleas. Visit a vet? I don’t know. I also had to provide photos of the rabbits for her files and five different documents proving that I actually have money and continue to make money.

Once those were done, she walked me through a dozen documents about lead paint and city rules regarding solicitors. Interesting enough, solicitors are not allowed unless approved first by the landlord. But hyper-Christian propaganda in the laundry room is just fine.

Then there are the laundry room rules… the paper with your lease says to try your best to avoid doing laundry after 10 p.m. This is understandable, since the laundry room is next door to someone’s apartment. It ends up though, that the laundry machines reprogram themselves at 9 p.m. to cost $5 to wash and $5 to dry. It’s no longer a friendly reminder, and more of a dictatorship. Also, she follows up on found socks. She actually showed up at my door one day with a pair of child’s socks and asked if they were mine. I was completely confused and sort of blinked at her. There’s only one child in the entire complex. By my own detectiving skills, I would guess it belongs to the kid.

Best thing so far though: I get a note about everything. Solicitors have been knocking without approval; don’t answer, call the cops. Windows will be being replaced in apartments that don’t include mine, please make sure you don’t park in your assigned space for two days so they can work. People are speeding in the parking lot I don’t park in, please slow down. But I don’t get a note that says on Thursday around 9:30 a.m. the water will be off for a few hours. I hope we don’t catch you with a mouth full of toothpaste. You did. I was annoyed.

There are things I appreciate. The neighborhood is quiet and really safe. There’s a grocery store within spitting distance. It’s really quite convenient. And with all the rules it means the other tenants are mostly well behaved. Although I suspect she’ll expect me to go to the funeral if someone dies. Maybe I’ll be out of town. I honestly think I’d go so far as to rent a hotel room for a couple of days to avoid that. Then again, maybe the old folks will outlive the four months left on my lease.

Link to a copy of the letter from Pat Doyle to ADN employees regarding cut backs. They expect to lose 35 positions, about 9 percent. Anyone I know getting the ax?

No daily news… been distracted by a few rays of sunlight. That and I have no cute animal stories for my mom. So… yeah. If I can get my headache to go away I’m going to go see Sex and the City. Come on Advil… kick in.

Some people are museum goers. Others are zoo goers. I am one of the latter. While I can enjoy an art museum, I like to spoil my inner child (outer child?) and giggle at miniature donkeys instead. I’ve been wanting to visit the zoo for a few weeks, but the weather has finally cooperated. Rain! Zoos are best on cloudy days. Fewer people and the animals aren’t all hiding out from the heat. Even better is if you can time is around feeding.

So I packed the rain gear and headed north. The zoo is a bit pricey, but afterward I found it to be reasonable considering the quality. You have to pay to park, or street park in the surrounding neighborhood. The zoo was quiet. I first typed “the zoo was dead,” but that sounds sad. I was surprised by the variety and quality of most of the exhibits. I gave myself four hours and could have used a couple more. There were some areas that were lacking, like the butterfly pavilion, but maybe that’s because the one in Colorado is just so great. The same goes for the bug exhibit, but I think I like bugs more than most zoo visitors.

I think I had good luck because most of the animals were out, if not roaming around then at least sleeping somewhere that was easy to see them. Like I mentioned, there was a wide variety of exhibits and I never felt like any were cheesy. Most of the environments seemed akin to the animal’s natural environment (with a Pacific Northwest spin). Overall, I would definitely consider Woodland Park Zoo one of the top three zoos I’ve seen yet.

You can see the whole gallery of photos on my Flickr. Can you find the baby gorilla? Hint, he’s here.

Update: Jay has added some comments ala my profile on Flickr to identify some of the snake species.

The apartment complex I live in is the biggest I’ve ever found myself in. There are 23 apartments in the complex with a large garden and swimming pool. Oh, the guy below me is dieing. I only saw him once, but his wife introduced herself to me once through the screen of her bedroom window. He has cancer and from what the gossip that is my landlord told me, he’s dieing. That is the nature of my apartment building. Based on the information I’ve gathered, most of the people live here for 20 or so years, and then move out and into a retirement community. I’ve made a little bet that someone dies before I move out. It’s morbid, I know. I’m a terrible person. But seriously… it’s the strangest place I’ve ever lived.